Dear Anna,
Person A shared some information with me. They asked me to keep it private for now. Person B asked me very directly what was going on with Person A. Person B knows that I have information, and is trying to pressure me to divulge. What do I do now?
Signed, What Do I Say
Dear What Do I Say,
Sounds like you are feeling quite caught in the middle. Depending on the roles of the people involved, power dynamics might also add to the stress of not being sure how to proceed. Here are three possible approaches to try:
1. Hold a default mode of, “That’s Person A’s story to tell.” This approach can apply to any scenario, including good news, bad news, or anything in between. Create an environment where the person who is the object of the story gets to tell their story on their own terms, in their own way, on their own timeline.
2. Focus on what you can share more than what you cannot. In a prior post, I shared an approach for managers to name when they have limitations regarding sharing information, and then to share the shareable. Such as, “I am not going to share with you the details of the situation. However, what I can tell you is…” (See: https://askannabanana.substack.com/p/design-your-best-work-with-phased)
3. Get curious about what Person B might need. Sometimes intense attention on another person’s issues, in this case, Person A, is actually more about an underlying issue that the questioner, Person B, has, that may or may not have anything to do with Person A. Try following up on Person B’s inquiry with something like, “Why, did you need something?” Or, “Are you stuck?” Or, “How can I, or someone else, help you right now?”
To be sure, sometimes people might need to share information about someone else. For example, if the person is in danger, or if harm to the person or to others might occur. Even so, it doesn’t mean blurting out information to simply anyone. Industries vary regarding policies related to who can say what about what. Acting with discretion can feel challenging, especially if it’s something that you yourself then need to process as well. If you yourself are holding stress that you need to process, consider consulting with a professional who has specific training and practices regarding holding confidentiality, such as a healthcare professional, therapist, counselor, and/or professional coach.
You don’t have to have all of the answers. Each of us processes information on our own timeline. From The Moth Radio Hour I first heard about the concept of not sharing stories that feel like open wounds, but rather to wait until they figuratively become scar tissue. And, as I have learned from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s writing, boundaries can be healthy. So, hold your line, feel good about protecting other people’s privacy when appropriate, and take care of your needs along the way.
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Disclaimer: These tips are meant to be a helpful starting point of ideas. Proceed at your own risk. Each person and organization is different, and this information may or may not help you. Try what resonates with you, keeping in mind common sense and circumstances. Seek professional advice that is tailored to your specific situation.
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