Dear Anna,
Why do you encourage people to avoid using the word “should”?
Signed,
Curious
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Dear Curious,
As a meeting facilitator and leadership coach, when I hear people use the word “should,” about themselves or about other people, I invite opportunities to explore an alternate approach. To me, the concept of “should” directly and indirectly keeps us in judgment of ourselves and of others. And, being judgy of ourselves or of others is not helpful. That “Should” becomes a figurative monster – big or small – that prevents us from actually moving forward and getting things done. So, here are three ways to tame the “Should” Monster:
1. Acknowledge your actual progress. When you find yourself saying, “I should do ABC,” flip the thought upside down. Should-ing focuses on what you haven’t done. Instead, flip it – notice what have you done towards ABC? The things that you have done so far are part of your lived experience, which makes you an expert in that thing. What has gone well so far? Based on your experience to date, what do you hope will happen next?
2. Acknowledge your colleague’s progress. When you find yourself saying, “They should do XYZ,” make note of what they have already done well. What are they really good at? Have you let them know what you appreciate about what they have done towards XYZ so far? Even the smallest observation can be helpful.
3. Get clear on what you want, rather than how to make it happen. I see people getting stuck when they ruminate about how, rather than what, they want something to possibly happen. They then grow a list of reasons why something won’t work. It drains the energy from the room. Instead, clarify what would be your ideal result. Rather than, “I should write a twenty-page report,” consider – “I want to convey to my colleagues all of the awesome partnerships that we launched with some novel recommendations about next steps.”
To be sure, some rare occasions will call for a should. However, I hope that when you do use it, that you are being mindful of why the situation is truly calling for the word. Here are some additional considerations regarding avoiding the word “should”: https://askannabanana.substack.com/p/the-problem-of-the-shoulds-as-in
My hope for you is that you can be gentle with yourself and others. When the Should Monster shows up, acknowledge it and then get curious about how you might shift from a place of judgement to one of exploring many possibilities. What are ways that motivate you to get things done without using the word should?
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Disclaimer: These tips are meant to be a helpful starting point of ideas. Proceed at your own risk. Each person and organization is different, and this information may or may not help you. Try what resonates with you, keeping in mind common sense and circumstances. Seek professional advice that is tailored to your specific situation.
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